It used to be easy...

Excluding the sleep deprivation (which is in a class of its own), parenting Caleb was easy.

Until he turned two, or I got pregnant... they both happened at about the same time. Suddenly it wasn't easy anymore. I was tired, easily frustrated, in pain, and shall we say slighly hormonal? He was wanting to be independent, experimenting with boundaries, and learning that it was sometimes fun to be bad. Remember when you used to do something you KNEW would make your parents mad, but part of you just wanted to make them mad? I thinkit is a control thing or something... maybe a love thing too? Like will they still love me if I do this? How about this? How mad will THIS make them?

Anyway, I am in this continual "it use to be like this" mindset and it makes me sad and frustrated that things changed. Sometimes I think that it would have stayed wonderful forever if I had never gotten pregnant... now don't get me wrong, in NO way do I regret having Audrey, LOVE that girl! And Caleb isn't all that bad, in fact he is quite good... we just have moments... days that are... trying. But, I wonder if he and I would still have that incredible relationship we had and he would still be my perfect little boy. Call me crazy, but I really do wonder.

These days I feel like a bad mom more than a good mom. I used to feel like a good mom... pretty much all the time. In fact, until this past year, I hought I was pretty top notch in the mom department. LOVED being a mom, all the time. Didn't really ever want breaks either. Never have been away from Caleb for more than a few hours. Christian and my friends had to convince me to leave Caleb to go on dates. We took him on vacation with us, I did not persevere in overcoming his bottle rejection because I was happy to be with him all the time to breastfeed him, etc. I just LOVED being mom, all the time. Now...I don't feel like a good mom at all. CLEARLY not top notch, and sometimes wonder if I do anything good at all. I feel like a bad mom more days out of the week than a good one. Now, I want breaks... all the time. I want a vacation, without the kids, and I think I am going to get Audrey started on taking a bottle, so that I can get some long breaks. I agonize over my mistakes, and feel guilty a lot of the time.

Hmm, you know that saying, "You don't understand till you are there yourself" or something like that? I have all these grievances against my parents, things I think they should or should not have done, etc. (don't get me wrong, they are good parents). I think I am understanding a little better now what they were going through, why they made some of their choices- good and bad, and how they made some of the mistakes they did. On the whole, they did a great job. I am alive right? And more than that, I am a grown woman with an amazing family, an education, and arguably am a decent person. They did a pretty good jon in raising us kids. My brother and sister are doing well too, so they must have done well right?

Sorry, Mom and Dad, for not understanding some of your mistakes, were just that, mistakes, made out of sleep deprivation, frustration, lots of personal sacrifices, and just simple human error. Thank you for loving me through this and letting me learn how it is... I guess the hard part of parenting doesn't end when your kids are grown either (I am case in point).

Caleb, you, my dear sweet amazing boy, are the eldest, in some ways the guinea pig. I apologize now for my mistakes. You can send us the counseling bill when you are older... I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes- now and later.

Ahh, remember when it used to be easy?

I am cherishing these easy days with Audrey. And trying to move into a new place with Caleb. Trying to remember it is not going to be easy, and to stop hoping/expecting it will be. I need to know it is tough, and know how to parent anyway.