I haven't posted as frequently as I have wanted. I was discouraged after my last entry because I went to the Dr. the following Friday and my iron was back down again. Not too low, 11.9 actually, but it had dropped in one week from 13.1, so I was fearing another big drop (I go back tomorrow; and I have to eat red meat every day again).
This bummed me out because I was considering trying again for a homebirth, but with the drop we decided it is too unpredicatable (my body just won't absorb it (iron) or something...) and we better stick with the OB and hospital birth. Which REALLY bums me out because, although I love my OB, I am not loving the hospital birth idea. And I REALLY REALLY want Caleb to be there immediately after baby is born. I do not want to leave him, and I do not want him to miss the initial family bonding. Some of you may be thinking it is not a big deal, maybe your only birthing experience is in the hospital and it is all very normal for you (in fact, I may seem a little crazy to you that I prefer a homebirth), but to me it is a HUGE deal. My only birthing experience is at home, and it was wonderful and intimate, and (of course not perfect) and precious. Christian caught Caleb and handed him to me, and declared, "We have a Caleb." Which was his way of telling me it was a boy, as we chose not to find out beforehand. No one took my baby away for any procedure. I did not have to worry about transferring to a different room, etc. Yes, Caleb did have some respiratory issues, but we got to be there while he was stabilized vs. him being whisked off to the NICU without us. Then, once he was stabilized (and I cleaned up a bit!) the three of us curled up in our bed together and rested. It was so wonderful.
I am not anticipating that sort of beauty in the hospital. I have been told of all kinds of procedures, time frames, transferring, interruptions, etc. -by the hospital itself- that I am not looking forward to dealing with, especially having the homebirth experience as my reference point. Maybe my iron will be way high again tomorrow and I will find a midwife good enough, and kind enough to take me under her care at 38 weeks pregnant... Crazier things have happened?
Anyway, all this leads up to how I am having a hard time with the Caleb separation thing. Due to the ups and downs of my health, I finally had to surrender, and admit that I needed help caring for him. So quite a few of my amazing friends have taken care of him for a few hours in the mornings the last two weeks, and plan to continue for the next two weeks (I told you they are amazing). My mom came for a few days too (cooked, folded, cleaned, cared for Caleb-she was awesome). And the same friends, and my Community Group have been bringing meals to help out too (the whole pain while standing thing hinders cooking ability a bit). All so I could rest and get my strength up to deliver this baby.
Yet, although I am so thankful, and learning a lot about how God cares for us by using people to care for us and learning other interesting things that have to do with surrending my control and my agenda (a big issue for me as many of you well know), I HATE not being the one parenting my child. And, not because of anything other than it is not me, I have noticed a change in my relationship with Caleb, a change I am not pleased about. He is having to adjust to a new baby coming, the changes in our home (as we get ready), my up and down health, and being cared for by someone different every day-as well as normal 2 year old stuff. And he has changed. We argue more, he is not as happy, he wakes at night to make sure who is here, he is napping less, more defiant, etc. Some of you are thinking, "Well that is all just normal for his age." But today, today I had a bit more energy, and I went with him for the playdate, and stayed. And you know what? He was better, I was better, and we have gotten along better today than we have in a long time.
So, I am very much looking forward to new baby, and already love new baby very much, but I am also very much looking forward to getting better and being able to stand without being in a ton of pain, and playing with, and parenting my son, my Caleb, because I HATE how this has affected our relationship.
Still, I am thankful because Caleb, although more challenging, has also magically known when to be sweet. He was doing this whole "not kiss me!" thing, and when I had to start letting others care for him, he stopped. He now always comes home wanting hugs and kisses and has been cuddling more too. I don't know what I would do without that. I love my little boy!
And with that, here are some pics from Septemeber, that I just love, because I am with my sweet little boy, who I love so much, and wish I could be the mommy I was to him before this difficult pregnancy.
Cuddling in his toddler bed just before bedtime (no the bed did not break under my weight). :)
Singing at Prayer and Praise at church (yes his hymn book is upside down-doesn't matter he knows most the words).
1 comment:
Oh, Jill, I'm so sorry for all you've had to experience these past several months. A hospital birth does sound incredibly different from the home birth you experienced, and I'm so sorry that you have to switch. I can only imagine that somehow the Lord has a plan in all of this, that somehow the hospital birth will work out well for all of you. To encourage you, I was able to hold Strat right after he was born, and they would have allowed me to continue to hold him, except for his respiratory issues. Those were taken care of while he was on the table near me; they didn't take him away from the room. After that, they did take him away to clean him up, but then he was in my room the rest of the time I was in the hospital. I suspect that if you yell at the top of your lungs, "Give me my son/daughter!", they might consider letting him/her stay with you for as long as you'd like. :) I kind-of wish I had done that, after reading about your home birth experience. At any rate, I will pray that the Lord will work everything out for you.
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