Motherly Advice from the Mother of a Good Friend

As Promised... I feel so honored that my friends mum took the time to write this down for me. It was so encouraging, and warm that I cried halfway through reading it. My friend has a wonderful mum, that is for sure!

10 things I learned about parenting the hard way:

1. There are days or weeks or months when you go through really hard phases and other times which are just easier. Its not that you are doing anything wrong its just that parenting is a process and growing into each new phase is hard work for the parents and the children. I had a cat and sat on the stairs and stroked it when I was mad at my toddler. It helped calm me down.


2. Don't try and win every battle with your child - you will not succeed and you may well end up losing a really important one. Draw up a list of the things you argue about with your toddler and sort them into important and not important. Do it when you are feeling calm and rested. Decide now to give up the unimportant ones. Eventually I gave up fighting the tidy bedroom battle and my child lived in chaos through her teens. Be reassured - she can be quite tidy now.


3. What are the important battles? Well I guess that they vary but they all revolve around the issue 'if I say no, I mean it'. Be determined on that one. Obedience is essential - sometimes it can save a life. Its important to win these battles when they are 2 and you will reap such a good reward when they are older. I have seen mothers who gave away ultimate authority to their children if they whined and cried and persisted enough as toddlers have such trouble with their teens. Stroppy behaviour is embarrassing in public with toddlers but it really is worth fighting.


4. What children need is unconditional love so if you say no a lot try to also to say you love them despite everything. Get them to say sorry and then forgive them and cuddle them. Don't hold grudges. Don't keep throwing yesterday's bad behaviour in their face. God doesn't do that to us when we ask forgiveness.


5. If you get out of order and shout at them and behave unreasonably back when you've just had too much (yes I've done that) apologise and ask their forgiveness. It works both ways.


6. Older children can feel pushed out by a new baby. Look for times to spend just with them doing 'grown up' things together that the baby can't do. Tell them you enjoy and look forward to those times. Ask them to help you plan those times. Tell them how much you enjoy them growing up and learning new things. Get excited by things they get excited by.


7. Don't write yourself off as a Mum. It will get better again. Its just a phase.


8. Spend time with older Mums who have been there. If their older children seem well behaved ask them to tell you the most hair-raising things their children did when they were small. Apart from giving you both a laugh it will enable you to see that many toddlers go through a very rebellious stage and end up well behaved. Ask --- if she remembers having a tantrum in the supermarket every week when she was two?


9. Don't ever compare your children with each other. They are different and you need to praise their good qualities and work on their character by reference to themselves without those damming words - If only you were more like your sister she's never naughty. It is so easy to say but so hurtful.


10. Keep things - paintings, drawings, favourite photos - children grow so fast and what seems a lifetime now will pass so quick you'll be waving them off to college before you know. Treasure the good times.