Motherly Advice from the Mother of a Good Friend

As Promised... I feel so honored that my friends mum took the time to write this down for me. It was so encouraging, and warm that I cried halfway through reading it. My friend has a wonderful mum, that is for sure!

10 things I learned about parenting the hard way:

1. There are days or weeks or months when you go through really hard phases and other times which are just easier. Its not that you are doing anything wrong its just that parenting is a process and growing into each new phase is hard work for the parents and the children. I had a cat and sat on the stairs and stroked it when I was mad at my toddler. It helped calm me down.


2. Don't try and win every battle with your child - you will not succeed and you may well end up losing a really important one. Draw up a list of the things you argue about with your toddler and sort them into important and not important. Do it when you are feeling calm and rested. Decide now to give up the unimportant ones. Eventually I gave up fighting the tidy bedroom battle and my child lived in chaos through her teens. Be reassured - she can be quite tidy now.


3. What are the important battles? Well I guess that they vary but they all revolve around the issue 'if I say no, I mean it'. Be determined on that one. Obedience is essential - sometimes it can save a life. Its important to win these battles when they are 2 and you will reap such a good reward when they are older. I have seen mothers who gave away ultimate authority to their children if they whined and cried and persisted enough as toddlers have such trouble with their teens. Stroppy behaviour is embarrassing in public with toddlers but it really is worth fighting.


4. What children need is unconditional love so if you say no a lot try to also to say you love them despite everything. Get them to say sorry and then forgive them and cuddle them. Don't hold grudges. Don't keep throwing yesterday's bad behaviour in their face. God doesn't do that to us when we ask forgiveness.


5. If you get out of order and shout at them and behave unreasonably back when you've just had too much (yes I've done that) apologise and ask their forgiveness. It works both ways.


6. Older children can feel pushed out by a new baby. Look for times to spend just with them doing 'grown up' things together that the baby can't do. Tell them you enjoy and look forward to those times. Ask them to help you plan those times. Tell them how much you enjoy them growing up and learning new things. Get excited by things they get excited by.


7. Don't write yourself off as a Mum. It will get better again. Its just a phase.


8. Spend time with older Mums who have been there. If their older children seem well behaved ask them to tell you the most hair-raising things their children did when they were small. Apart from giving you both a laugh it will enable you to see that many toddlers go through a very rebellious stage and end up well behaved. Ask --- if she remembers having a tantrum in the supermarket every week when she was two?


9. Don't ever compare your children with each other. They are different and you need to praise their good qualities and work on their character by reference to themselves without those damming words - If only you were more like your sister she's never naughty. It is so easy to say but so hurtful.


10. Keep things - paintings, drawings, favourite photos - children grow so fast and what seems a lifetime now will pass so quick you'll be waving them off to college before you know. Treasure the good times.

Stain Treat

Every parent of young kids needs good stain remover, or they are rich and buy new clothes at an alarming rate... or their kids wear very stained clothes.

Did I say just kids? Ha, parents need good stain remover too.

Items on my shirt today: Lot's of spit up, breastmilk, cheddar cheese cracker dust, lot's of snot (both kiddos have a cold), water (but that is harmless)probably thousands of germs from coughs, enchilada sauce, and poop. Yep, Audrey pooped through her PJ's on to my shirt.

That about summarizes my day today. Although, today was a bit better then the last two days in regard to my being able to parent in spite of exhaustion (Audrey is nursing every 1 1/2-2 hours during this cold and Caleb is waking frequently to yell about his pain).

Stay tuned for tomorrow when I post a really encouraging email about mothering from my dear friend. Well, the email is from my friend, but the advice is from her mum. Can't tell you how thankful I was to recieve it today, made me cry. Can't post right now though because the hubby wants me to shut down and watch a show with him. (Sleep deprivation is mostly due to kids, partly due to our need to feel like adults and do something that has nothing to do with parenting before we go to bed).

It used to be easy...

Excluding the sleep deprivation (which is in a class of its own), parenting Caleb was easy.

Until he turned two, or I got pregnant... they both happened at about the same time. Suddenly it wasn't easy anymore. I was tired, easily frustrated, in pain, and shall we say slighly hormonal? He was wanting to be independent, experimenting with boundaries, and learning that it was sometimes fun to be bad. Remember when you used to do something you KNEW would make your parents mad, but part of you just wanted to make them mad? I thinkit is a control thing or something... maybe a love thing too? Like will they still love me if I do this? How about this? How mad will THIS make them?

Anyway, I am in this continual "it use to be like this" mindset and it makes me sad and frustrated that things changed. Sometimes I think that it would have stayed wonderful forever if I had never gotten pregnant... now don't get me wrong, in NO way do I regret having Audrey, LOVE that girl! And Caleb isn't all that bad, in fact he is quite good... we just have moments... days that are... trying. But, I wonder if he and I would still have that incredible relationship we had and he would still be my perfect little boy. Call me crazy, but I really do wonder.

These days I feel like a bad mom more than a good mom. I used to feel like a good mom... pretty much all the time. In fact, until this past year, I hought I was pretty top notch in the mom department. LOVED being a mom, all the time. Didn't really ever want breaks either. Never have been away from Caleb for more than a few hours. Christian and my friends had to convince me to leave Caleb to go on dates. We took him on vacation with us, I did not persevere in overcoming his bottle rejection because I was happy to be with him all the time to breastfeed him, etc. I just LOVED being mom, all the time. Now...I don't feel like a good mom at all. CLEARLY not top notch, and sometimes wonder if I do anything good at all. I feel like a bad mom more days out of the week than a good one. Now, I want breaks... all the time. I want a vacation, without the kids, and I think I am going to get Audrey started on taking a bottle, so that I can get some long breaks. I agonize over my mistakes, and feel guilty a lot of the time.

Hmm, you know that saying, "You don't understand till you are there yourself" or something like that? I have all these grievances against my parents, things I think they should or should not have done, etc. (don't get me wrong, they are good parents). I think I am understanding a little better now what they were going through, why they made some of their choices- good and bad, and how they made some of the mistakes they did. On the whole, they did a great job. I am alive right? And more than that, I am a grown woman with an amazing family, an education, and arguably am a decent person. They did a pretty good jon in raising us kids. My brother and sister are doing well too, so they must have done well right?

Sorry, Mom and Dad, for not understanding some of your mistakes, were just that, mistakes, made out of sleep deprivation, frustration, lots of personal sacrifices, and just simple human error. Thank you for loving me through this and letting me learn how it is... I guess the hard part of parenting doesn't end when your kids are grown either (I am case in point).

Caleb, you, my dear sweet amazing boy, are the eldest, in some ways the guinea pig. I apologize now for my mistakes. You can send us the counseling bill when you are older... I hope you can forgive me for my mistakes- now and later.

Ahh, remember when it used to be easy?

I am cherishing these easy days with Audrey. And trying to move into a new place with Caleb. Trying to remember it is not going to be easy, and to stop hoping/expecting it will be. I need to know it is tough, and know how to parent anyway.

Audrey's 4 Month Check Up

Height 24 1/2 inches 60th percentile- grew two inches since her last appt.
Weight 16 lbs. 14 oz. 97th percentile- gained 1 lb. and 8 oz. since last visit
Head 16 3/4 90th percentile- grew 3/4 inch since last visit

Yes, Audrey is 97th percentile in weight... surprised? :)

Dr. Roseman said she is doing well, and looks great. I sure think so. Look at that sweet face!

Our Trip to San Jose

Uncle Rex and Aunt Elaine's House was a highlight. We had a great time in their garden, enjoying their view, visiting, and eating together. Caleb got to pull vegetables and sample all the flowers.

Definietly have to do that again! Gianna even came over after work to join us. It was so fun! Uncle Rex is a great chef and made a delicious dinner. Caleb got to help with that too. Need that fennel potato recipe!

Thanks for all the goodies you sent us home with too!



We got a super short visit with Nen (my Dad's mom). It was good to see her. We hoped to see Nenaneen Mary too, but the kids nap time caused an interference...next time!


Playing with Izzy was a treat! We got to see her a lot. At first, she had to get used to us, as we haven't seen her since Christmas. By the end of our short trip, we were all comfortable with each other.

So much fun, and for Audrey too!

We do a weekly playdate on Mondays at Aunt Jill's house. Jill is one of my closest friends. Christian and her husband and all our boys are all best buddies too. Works well.

Anyway, Jill has the cool big house with a big yard, and so graciously invites some of us over every Monday for a giant playdate. Bunches of fun.

Today was especially great because:

1)The kiddos have gotten quite good at playing together without too much mommy interference and the mommies got a decent amount of time to talk today. I almost felt normal.

2)Jen made really yummy scones. Um, I think I ate 3 of them. She said they were healthy though.

3) Most of us made it over there today. Often, it is just Jill and our boys and myself, as sickness, travel, etc. can get in the way. Lately, more have been able to make it.

4)Tomi came with Skylar, who is Audrey's age. Yes, that is right Audrey had a friend. It was cute! They were staring at each other and smiling. Instant friends!

She actually has a few friends now...well in the kind of I hope they will be her friends sort of friend way. Huh? You see, Audrey gets carted around to all of Caleb's activities. We always play with Caleb's friends, whose mommies happen to be my friends too. Well, thakfully MaryJoyce had a baby a month after me, and Tomi a month before, and there are two gals at my table in MOPS (I just joined) that have daughters born within a week of Audrey. So yea! She is finally going to start having friends.

I have no idea!

Picture Caleb, bewildered look on his face, hands in the air, "Mom, I have no idea!"

This is his new answer to some of the questions I ask. The first time he said it... a few days ago, I found it incredibly funny, and laughed uncontrollably. Well, I think Caleb took that to mean that he should add that statement to his repertoire of funny sayings. I am impressed with the usage he has found for it, using the phrase several times a day, and he uses it in context every time.

He is getting taller. He had a growth spurt a week or two ago (had to go buy new pants as his were looking like he was preparing for floods) and Christian noted tonight that Caleb can now reach the light in the bathroom.

Caleb: "Dad, I got up on my tippy toes."

Christian: "Caleb, where did you learn tippy-toes?"

Caleb: "I have no idea." Picture cute smile and bewildered look.

He is a smarty pants, that is for sure... in a good and funny way that is. :)